1/5/14
Broken, All Over Again

I don't exactly know why these things happen.

It's the middle of the night, you're minding your own business.  Shuffling around in the dark trying not to trip over a cat or step on a painful dog bone.  Trying not to make any noise.  Wondering whether it's absolutely perverse to even think about having another cup of coffee.

You're bored with the game you're playing on the inter web, and for once decide to just cruise around places you haven't visited.  Something is pulling.  Something is weird.  Something is a little scary. You are pointed to very old neglected places you religiously avoid.

Like Facebook.

Now I remember… I was depressed and puzzled and angry over the silence that met a text message I sent to a loved one, so I sent another.  And another.  So sad.  Thinking about how the bright shining gems have gotten lost or sullied, people in my life dropping away, fading away, blurring.

Come back…come back!

So I pulled a Stella Dallas, and crept around pages peeking at the lives I am no longer a part of.  Unfriended.  Anonymous.  Unknown.  Looking at the pictures, reading the comments, even touching the sweet faces on the screen.  So pathetic.  So alone.

Heartbroken, I realize just how bad this situation is when I see Adam's mother has passed away.  My God.  My God I am so fng sorry.  How did he ever get through that.  Where the hell was I?  How did I let him get away again?  I am sad I never met her.  Another huge regret staring at her page that says "live life without regrets".  I am never there for you, in that at least I remain consistent.

Bittersweet, watching that video - and knowing he did exactly what I did when my mother passed away.  Can we really be so alike, so apart.  I wonder where that video is now, on that old media no one else seems able to watch.  I spent days on it.  I see the love there, I read how he likes being able to go there and see it whenever he wants to.

Thank God I at least got to thank her.  Even if it wasn't in person.

Was it you Roz?  Sharing his baby pictures with me?  Pulling me around step by step to that place I vacated a long time ago, that exact place where I knew he was alive and strong and happy thanks to you and Mordy.

I don't know why these things happen.  Well yes I do, don't I.  But standing out here in the dark in the rain I am grateful for the window at least.